Since 2002, 4 million visitors plus:

search engine optimization service

  Appletcollection Vertical Menu java applet, Copyright 2003 GD

To: All Staff

From: Superintendent of Schools

Date: 9/1/1999

Re: Faculty Bathrooms

Five of our greatest concerns for the safety and well being of our students are drugs, weapons, arson, bomb and biohazard threats, and bullying. The dangers of drugs need no comment. Recent tragedies in schools around the country have underscored the dangers of disaster threats weapons and bullying.

Student bathrooms are the venue for many instances of these threatening behaviors, and our student bathrooms are very poorly supervised, amplifying the dangers to our students. Voluntary bathrooms checks by faculty members are almost nonexistent. Assigned, scheduled bathroom checks are exceedingly unpopular with teachers and administrators, are too easy for students to predict, interfere with instructional duties, and therefore occur infrequently and ineffectively.

We have determined that the best, if not only, solution to the problem is to abolish faculty bathrooms and to have faculty use the same bathrooms as the students. This plan would make faculty appearances in the bathrooms frequent and unpredictable and should diminish the dealing and consumption of illegal drugs, the concealment and use of weapons, the placement of bombs and biohazard devices, and the instances of bullying throughout the schools. Therefore, in the best interests of the students and the school community, this policy will be implemented immediately.

However, in order to avoid offending currently employed staff members, the faculty bathrooms will not actually be closed until 6/30/2047, the projected retirement date of the youngest teacher currently on our staff. Until then, we ask for your continued alertness.